True Git
by TheRealEatsShootsAndLeaves
Summary: The Williams family's plans for a relaxing southwestern vacation are thrown into disarray by a conniving Goblin King and his unhappy accomplice, Ludo.
1. Chapter 1

All the good stuff belongs to Jim Henson and Co.

Written as part of the Fairy-Tale Quartet Challenge: Re-tell "Beauty and the Beast" in the Labyverse using randomly chosen genres. For the sister tales that accompany this one, watch for "The Clockwork Beauty" by Ellen Weaver, and upcoming stories by Jalen Strix and Frances Osgood.

* * *

**True Git**

Robert Williams was having trouble with his horse. The animal was more interested in snatching bites of grass and shrubbery than in keeping up with the rest of the guests and their mounts. Robert was not a rider. He felt uncomfortable with the idea of kicking the horse in the sides to get it to move, even though the rather inebriated trail guide had suggested it. It didn't seem polite. He hadn't seen any of the other guests resort to kicking their horse. Obviously he was doing something wrong.

At this moment in time, he was rethinking the whole idea of vacationing at the Happy Trails Dude Ranch. It might have been different if Karen had come with him on the trail ride. Unfortunately, Karen was nervous around horses. Toby was, of course, too little to go on the ride. At that very moment, Toby was wearing a red cowboy hat and petting a baby calf, while Karen was relaxing on a plastic chaise lounge, sipping a margarita and watching a shirtless young man give a horse a bath.

Robert groaned and flapped the reins ineffectively on his horse's neck. The horse had quickly assessed Robert's riding ability the second he stepped foot into the stirrup. He blithely ignored Robert and nibbled at a bush.

Robert forlornly wished Sarah were there. She was an accomplished rider, having taken riding lessons for several years. Of course, she rode an English saddle and did things like jump her horse over fences, but Robert was sure she could handle a dude ranch horse.

Sadly for Robert, Sarah had not yet arrived at the ranch. Due to a small mix-up with dates, it had been necessary for her to take a final exam before she could start her vacation. Robert, Karen and Toby had arrived the day before, Sarah insisting that they not delay their vacation. Poor Robert was gloomily wishing he had spent the afternoon petting baby calves with Toby.

He looked up to realize that the other guests were nowhere in sight. They had evidently gone around a tree or a mountain or something and were hidden from his view.

"Hello," he yelled. "Wait for me."

He was disconcerted when there was no answer but the wind. They couldn't be that far away, he thought, they weren't moving that fast. He flailed the reins again. The horse ignored him and continued to strip the delicious foliage.

Robert looked around and realized that the sun was hanging very low in the sky. Time until sunset was getting short and it was later than he had thought. He needed to get back to the ranch.

Suddenly anxious, Robert drummed his heels against his horse's sides. The horse, not expecting such assertive behavior, jumped in astonishment. The sudden movement caught poor Robert off guard and he lost his precarious balance. He tumbled to the ground, clutching randomly at saddle horn, straps, saddle blanket and stirrups during his slow and awkward fall, finally landing on his rump beside the flabbergasted horse.

Robert and the horse regarded each other for a moment. The horse realized that he could either go back home with a heavy human sitting on his back, or he could go back with an empty saddle. He quickly made his decision and leapt out of Robert's reach. Holding his head to one side so the trailing reins wouldn't trip him, the savvy ranch horse trotted away.

"Hey!" Robert yelled, scrambling to his feet and running after the horse. The horse began to gallop and quickly disappeared from sight.

"Nuts," he said. He began to trudge in the direction the horse had taken, head down and discouraged. His thighs and bottom ached from the unaccustomed horseback riding, but as he walked, the soreness worked itself out and he felt a little happier.

New Mexico was pretty, he realized. Very pretty. The rocks and hills and trees were so different from New England, but they were beautiful in an entirely new way. Freed from the inconvenience of the difficult horse, he began to enjoy himself. He decided he could follow the horse's tracks and find his way back to the ranch easily.

As he walked, he noticed that he was surrounded by flowers. The knee high plants were covered with yellow and orange blossoms that looked a little like snapdragons. "Women like flowers," he said to himself, thinking of his wife and daughter, and he began to gather a bouquet of the unusual blossoms.

He had a nice handful of them and was just realizing that they smelled utterly disgusting when a voice spoke right into his ear. He jumped, dropping the stinky blossoms all over the place.

"What are you doing? Those are an endangered species and you could be facing a fine of tens of thousands of dollars. You could actually spend a year in jail for picking those!"

Robert whirled around, heart in his throat, to see a figure draped in a long black duster, and topped with a flat Spanish western hat. He wondered for a disoriented moment if Clint Eastwood had come to New Mexico to yell at him.

"I'm so sorry," he stammered. "I didn't know. I would never intentionally hurt an endangered species." He began to scrabble about on the ground, looking for the discarded stems. "Here, you can have them. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He realized just how dark it was getting, when he was unable to see the flowers that he had dropped.

"Those flowers are dead! You killed any chance they had at reproducing when you picked them. The world of nature is now less diverse. Are you happy?" the angry voice answered.

Robert looked up at the man that was yelling at him. It really was dark now, for Robert could only see a pair of narrowed blue eyes peering at him from under the hat. The rest of the man's face was hidden in shadow.

"No, no," said Robert, quaking in his boots at the thought of jail time. "I promise you, I am not in the least bit happy."

"Maybe I'll let you off with a warning," drawled the mysterious figure, "if…"

"If what?" asked Robert, eagerly hoping to avoid a fine of tens of thousands of dollars.

"Give me the first creature that greets you when you return to the ranch," purred the dark figure, blue eyes glowing in the darkness.

Robert stared blankly at the mysterious stranger. Obviously he was dealing with some kind of nut.

"Ah. Okay," Robert finally replied. He was fibbing. He had no intention of giving the stranger anything. He did plan to let whatever authorities were in charge of endangered flowers know that one of their field representatives had lost their marbles.

"We have a bargain!" the stranger said, sounding positively gleeful. "Now back to the ranch with you!"

"Well, actually, I think I'm lost," said Robert looking around. He looked back to see the stranger had vanished into the darkness.

"Hey! Come back," he hollered and then decided that maybe he didn't want the peculiar stranger to come back after all. He looked around and in the distance could see lights. He heaved a sigh of relief when he realized the lights were coming from the ranch house, which was no farther away than a quarter mile. He started to walk briskly toward the lights, stumbling occasionally over an unseen rock or shrubby plant. He certainly was making a lot of noise, he thought. Wait. Was he actually making all that noise? He stopped for a moment. The hair on the back of his neck stood straight up as the noises of movement and activity continued. The sounds seemed furtive and sneaky.

"Who's there?" he said in a voice that only trembled a little bit.

Goosebumps popped up all over his arms when he heard a sly giggle come from behind him. He took another glance around and decided his best course of action was to proceed directly toward the lights.

Robert took off like a slightly overweight greyhound. His knees were pumping clear up to his chest as he crashed through the low shrubs and grasses toward the beckoning lights. Loud entreaties for help were coming from his throat as he galloped across the dark ground toward the safety of the brightly lit buildings.

He nearly sobbed with relief when he heard voices of guests and search party personnel calling to him.

"Hey, there he is!"

"Oh, what a relief!"

"Jeezum, look at him go. Pretty fast for an old guy." This last was said as Robert sprinted across the front yard, brightly illuminated by the pole lights.

"Robert! Robert!" Karen cried out, running to meet him. "Where have you been? It's dark outside! You could have been eaten by coyotes!" She launched herself at him and gave him a thorough kissing. When she had to stop to take a breath, she wrapped her arms around him and began to heave sobs of relief.

Robert hugged his wife tight. He had enjoyed as much nature as he could stand and was ready to go inside immediately. As he made his way through the crowd of excited guests asking about his adventures, search party volunteers grumbling about his lack of internal compass, the drunken trail guide making poor excuses for leaving him behind and the owner apologizing and offering complimentary items and services to avoid lawsuit, Robert complained loudly about the unsuitable horse and the peculiar stranger who had threatened him with extortion.

A pair of angry eyes gleamed in the darkness, glaring at the noisy, chattering crowd as they shuffled into the Happy Trails Dude Ranch Holiday Center.

"Bloody devil! What good is having power over HER? She isn't the one I want at all!" The stranger stomped around in the darkness, kicking at small moving shadows that yelped and dodged. "Where is that blasted girl? She's always the first to greet him. Bollocks!"

* * *

Early the next morning, the Happy Trails Dude Ranch cook made the sixty mile round trip to the nearest town to pick up the week's supply of fresh perishables from the grocery store, a forty pound sack of chick starter from the feed store and a happily smiling Sarah Williams from the bus station.

Sarah stepped out of the ranch's hulking Canyonaro to hear Toby gleefully shrieking her name. He hurled himself into her arms, giddy with excitement. He was enjoying the Happy Trails Dude Ranch immensely, having petted all sorts of infant farm animals, having been led around on a bored Shetland pony, having been allowed to stay up an hour past his usual bedtime and having eaten two entire candy bars that morning. In his mind, the only addition that could improve upon these marvelous delights had just arrived.

The entire Williams family enjoyed a picnic at lunchtime and then took a walk down to the creek where fishing poles and bait were handed out. Toby caught a small fish almost immediately and was fervently hoping to catch another. After fishing for a half an hour, Sarah left them to go on a trail ride.

She had been disappointed to find that Robert was less than enthused about any more horseback riding. She had been downright dumbfounded when he told her his story of an unsettling stranger making peculiar threats and an even stranger bargain. Really, if he didn't want to go on a trail ride, he didn't have to make up such a goofy excuse.

She soon began to enjoy herself on the ride. New Mexico was beautiful and the guests were enjoying simply looking around at the remarkable scenery, occasionally pointing at things and saying "ooh" and "ahh," snapping pictures and remarking upon the interesting things to see.

The trail guide was an entertaining fellow, only slightly tipsy this afternoon, chatting knowledgeably about the various sights on the trail. He had pointed out various examples of rock formations and discussed the geology of New Mexico and then moved on to a discussion of the native flora.

"Now these here ain't native plants," the guide said, pointing at the flowers. The knee high plants were covered with yellow and orange blossoms that looked a little like snapdragons.

"This is yellow toadflax," the guide continued. "Here in New Mexico it's a Class A Noxious Weed. The state has a program to eradicate these things since they're crowding out the native plants."

The guests murmured and frowned over the invasive flowers.

"Well, here we have some interesting wildlife," said the trail guide. "Take a look up in that tree and you'll see a barn owl taking a nap. They're nocturnal. This fellow likes to catch mice for…"

The guide, guests and horses all startled when a screech of rage erupted from the dark haired girl. The horse she was sitting on nearly died of a coronary event right in its tracks. The horse's every instinct told it to run away, run away, while its desire to live told it not to cross its unexpectedly terrifying rider.

"YOU!" screamed Sarah at the barn owl sitting high in the tree. "You better stay away from Toby! You know darn well I was just venting when I said that about the goblins!"

The trail guide and some of the guests stared at her with suddenly narrowed eyes of suspicion. The rest of the guests were wearing wide eyed, open mouthed expressions of astonishment. They found this talk of goblins to be unsettling.

"Her pa's the one that got lost last night and said that tiny critters chased him back to the ranch," the trail guide whispered loudly. A chorus of murmuring arose at this hushed announcement

Still yelling, Sarah stepped down from the saddle and stomped over to the base of the tree. Her bug-eyed horse saw his opportunity and carefully sidled away from her.

"I don't know what you wanted with Toby but I beat your feathered butt and you have no claim on him! And furthermore, you STILL have no power over me!" she loudly expounded.

The additional burst of noise was enough for her horse to decide he'd had enough. He turned and trotted away down the trail toward home, an air of determination about him.

If he hadn't been afraid of losing his job, the trail guide would have followed her horse's wise decision and herded his flock of guests right on out of there. Sadly, losing track of two members of the same family was likely to be frowned upon.

Oblivious to her nervous audience, Sarah continued to berate the owl.

"Love me? Fear me? Do as I say? Oh, and then you'll be my slave? Did you think I wouldn't be able to figure out those are wedding vows? Love, honor and obey? You give me a wedding proposal when I'm fifteen and then I never hear from you again?"

The guests were becoming nervous. Those were very strange things to be saying to an owl.

"What hogwash!" She yelled. "You must have been laughing your butt off! And to think I was dumb enough to actually consider it! Well, I've had plenty of time to think about it during the four years you never showed up again! You lying piece of…"

"Head 'em up! Move 'em out!" yelled the trail guide, channeling his inner Rawhide. The guests eagerly followed him down the trail and away from the deeply disturbing girl.

Sarah was surprised out of her tantrum by the guide's shout and turned to see the group riding away from her. Humiliation came over her as she thought about her performance and what the other people on the ride might have thought of her outlandish behavior.

High in the tree, the owl stared at the suddenly silent human. For some reason, all of her noise had made him think of his abrasive mate and yammering offspring. The owl was tired, tired, tired. He was exhausted from living up to his hungry offspring and squawking mate's expectations of him. They all just looked like open mouths to him; open, screeching, hungry mouths. He had been catching mice all last night and part of the early morning and had eaten only two for himself. He fluffed up his feathers and hunched down in misery. A clangoring instinct pulled at him, urging him to take flight and hunt. He ignored it, just as he decided to ignore the screeching human below.

The human standing below had just realized that her horse had left her behind and now she would have to walk. The stiff backs of the tour group told her that no one would be offering her a lift. She was beet red with embarrassment and angry confusion.

Truly, she wasn't sure what had come over her. Seeing that owl had frightened her for sure; frightened for Toby, frightened for herself. But she didn't understand why she was so angry. She had spent hours pondering her time in the Labyrinth. She had learned so much about herself in the ten hours she had been there. If he hadn't stolen three hours from her, she might have learned even more…" She sighed. Everything about that time was so confusing.

Especially confusing were the dreams she had about him; the Goblin King. She wasn't a complete idiot. She knew why a young woman might have sexy dreams about an attractive man. Sure, she had been afraid of him. Well, sort of. But she had been very aware of his charms as well. What she didn't understand was why after four years she continued to be haunted by a man she had known only for an instant of time. It seemed foolish and she hated feeling foolish. It made her a little angry. She had felt foolish and a little angry for four years.

She began the long walk back to the ranch, wondering what might be said when she arrived on foot. She knew her horse was smart enough to find its way home so she wasn't concerned about that. For her part, Sarah was quite ready to completely forget about the whole thing and sincerely hoped that everyone else was, too.

* * *

That evening a wiener roast was held, with hotdog, burgers and beans aplenty. Guests sat around a large campfire and ate, talked and sang endless choruses of "Kumbaya." Many, many s'mores were made and consumed. When the crowd ran out marshmallows, Karen volunteered to retrieve another bag from the cook, who was resting his heels in front of the TV in the lounge.

She confessed to Robert in a whisper that this would give her an opportunity to use the facilities. Robert put on a slightly exasperated expression. He didn't understand why she always had to tell him when she was going to use the bathroom. He half suspected that one day she would start calling him at work to tell him about it.

While Karen ventured off to use the facilities and fetch marshmallows, Robert regaled Sarah with tales of his afternoon activities which included buying a belt buckle made by a Navajo gentleman, watching a man get bucked off a horse and seeing a prairie dog. When he finally ran out of stories, he became curious about Sarah's day.

"How did you enjoy the trail ride, Sarah?" he asked.

Sarah realized that the entire circle of guests at the campfire had gone quiet and were studiously looking elsewhere while listening carefully to what she might say. She blushed bright red when she realized that the story about her yelling at the wildlife hadn't been forgotten after all and that everyone there with the exception of her father likely knew about it.

"Oh, we just looked at the flowers," she said, studying her feet.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment, then Robert suddenly looked around.

"Hey, where's Karen?"


	2. Chapter 2

Karen was standing on the throne of the Goblin King, surrounded by goblins, emitting an unending shriek. It was high volume, high pitched and highly annoying. She was wringing her hands in a panic, kicking and lashing out wildly at any goblin fool enough to approach too near.

"So what are you gonna to do with HER?" asked Hoggle. He and Jareth were standing outside the throne room, staying out of sight and peering through a slightly opened door. He couldn't figure out what Jareth was up to. He could not imagine that Jareth was actually interested in this banshee.

"I'm going to use the same scheme I tried on the father except THIS time it will work," Jareth said with confident satisfaction. "I'll get this woman to agree to give me the first creature that greets her. It will be either Robert or Toby and then I will have power over them. I will bring them back here. Then I will make Sarah an offer she can't refuse, which is that she trade herself for their release, and then I'll have what I really want, which is power over her."

Hoggle frowned.

"You sure Sarah will do that?" he asked doubtfully.

"If I threaten to feed them to the goblins, she will," Jareth grinned.

"Yuck!" said one of the two tiny goblins sitting on his left boot. Jareth bent to pat the goblin on its head.

"You won't really have to eat them," Jareth assured the goblin. "It's just a terrifying threat to coerce the love of my life into doing my bidding." The goblin smiled up at him with relief.

"So… you ever thought about maybe just askin' her on a date or somethin'?" asked Hoggle with the slightest tone of exasperation creeping into his voice.

"Pffft! That ISN'T the way it's done," Jareth said disdainfully.

Hoggle rolled his eyes.

"Now we just wait for that idiot rock caller to get here," Jareth said.

"Ludo?" asked Hoggle. "Wha' cha need him fer?"

"Look, Hiddleston…"

"Hoggle…" he sighed heavily.

"I intend to marry this girl and make her my queen," Jareth said testily. "I certainly don't need any more trouble from a mother-in-law than is already inherent in the relationship. I will feed Ludo the words to say from behind that conveniently placed low decorative screen right there and convince her to make the agreement without her knowing anything about me."

"I wondered why that was in the throne room," said Hoggle. "You're going to get Ludo to do this?" he added doubtfully.

"Yes."

"Ludo?"

"Yes!" Jareth snapped.

"Why Ludo?" Hoggle was baffled.

"Because he was the only one dumb enou…" Jareth paused to consider his words. "That is, he's the best choice, really. He's a terrifying beast, not to be trifled with. She'll agree to the terms just so he won't eat her."

"Yuck," the little goblin repeated.

"So," said Jareth, "are you going to assist me, or do you wish to spend the rest of the day in the Bog?"

"Oh, I'm gonna help," said Hoggle. "I wouldn't wanna miss this."

Jareth nodded, mollified for the moment.

"Say," Hoggle continued. "What's up with the decorations?"

The throne room was packed with kitschy decorations and motifs from the American Southwest. Dreamcatchers were hung in every corner. Several Kokopelis had been painted sloppily on the walls. Some very goblinesque kachina dolls sat in a crooked row on a window sill. Paintings of buffalo and cowboys were scattered about. Every hen in the room was wearing a little saddle. Several goblins were sporting random items of western wear, including bolo ties, cowboy hats, bandanas of various colors and cowboy boots. One particularly festive goblin was wearing a pair of chaps and a thong.

Jareth shook his head with disgust at the throne room decorations.

"I want this woman to believe she's still in New Mexico so I had the décor changed to reflect that," he said.

"Goblins decorated, dint they?" said Hoggle.

Jareth frowned and said nothing.

Shuffling steps were heard coming down the dusty hallway.

"Well, it's about time," snapped Jareth.

"Sahwy," mooed Ludo.

"Nice hat," said Hoggle. "You looks very… southwestern," he added, drawing a look of ire from Jareth.

"Dank you," said Ludo. He patted the ten gallon hat that perched on his head. It looked like a bottle cap sitting on a watermelon.

"Let's do this," said Jareth, rubbing his gloved hands together. "Just like I told you," he added, glaring at Ludo.

Karen was making far too much noise to hear the door creak open as Jareth squatted down in a pair of hand tooled leather chaps worn over his usual clinging leggings, and hurriedly duck walked behind the screen.

"Get out there," Jareth hissed at Ludo. Ludo gulped and nervously adjusted his hat.

"Get out dere," Ludo repeated.

"Don't start talking yet, you idiot!" Jareth replied in an outraged whisper.

"Not yet…" Ludo began but a hard jab from Hoggle shut him up.

"Wait until you gets inside," Hoggle whispered.

Ludo lowed in dismay and reluctantly shuffled into the throne room.

Karen was busy hurling dream-catchers like Frisbees. She was surprisingly accurate, frequently hitting goblins. She continued to emit a piercing noise and did not notice Ludo swaying apprehensively from side to side.

"Hello, dear lady," Jareth prompted from behind the screen.

"HELLO, LADY!" bellowed Ludo.

Karen stopped screaming long enough to turn to see a massive, orange furred beast wearing a ten gallon hat, wringing its giant paws and teetering from side to side. Obviously, it was preparing to pounce.

She let out a noon day whistle of a yell and proceeded to pelt Ludo with every object in reach. Fake Kachina dolls flew like rockets. Cheap goblin knockoffs of Native American pottery exploded all around the wailing rock caller as he dodged and weaved.

"Madam, please calm down," Jareth whispered as loudly as he could.

"LUDO NOT WANT!" the poor beast cried out.

"If you'll just listen…" Jareth shouted. It was unclear at this point whether he was shouting at Ludo or at the screaming missile launcher careening around the throne room.

When a painting of a buffalo looking at a man on a horse crashed into the wall above him, he decided it might be time to retreat.

"Goblin crap!" hissed Jareth in genuine dismay. "That was a real Remington!"

"Where'd you get a real Remington?" Hoggle asked from the safety of the doorway.

"Shut up, you cretin," Jareth snapped, frantically duck walking toward safety. Ludo was right on his heels, holding onto his hat and mooing with dismay.

"SHUT THE DOOR!" Jareth bellowed as Ludo barreled past him.

Hoggle slammed the door shut and all three collapsed against it.

"What about the goblins?" asked Hoggle.

"They're on their own," said Jareth.

"Wemington wuined," lamented Ludo.

"That was Ludo's painting wasn't it?" said Hoggle.

Jareth glared at the floor and refused to answer.

* * *

Considering the ghastly way things had turned out the previous evening, Jareth decided Ludo needed a pep talk; encouragement to be brave, support for his efforts and incentive to be more assertive.

"You screw up again, and it's straight to the Bog!"

Ludo whined and stared at the floor. He no longer wanted to have anything to do with Jareth's scheming.

Jareth, however, was feeling more sanguine about the possibilities this morning and was ready to make a second attempt at manipulating an agreement out of Karen.

On the previous evening, a troop of goblins had cautiously herded the yelling woman out of the filthy throne room, down the hall and into a nice suite with comfortable furnishings, chicken soup, a nice grilled cheese sandwich, a bathroom and other calming necessities such as chocolate and hairspray. She had managed to sleep a little in the soft bed, and this morning, though far from happy, she was feeling better about her situation.

The door to her room opened silently and Jareth hunkered down and waddled over to the low decorative screen. Hoggle, being just short enough, was able to simply stroll behind the screen.

Ludo, still wearing his ten gallon hat, made a cautious entrance. He stopped by the screen, fearful of going any farther into the room.

Upon seeing the giant orange beast appearing in her room, Karen leapt to her feet and snatched up the poker from the stand next to the fireplace.

"Who in the bloody Bog left the poker?" Jareth whispered to Hoggle. He and Hoggle both suddenly felt extremely vulnerable being in the same room as Karen.

"Poor Ludo," said Hoggle.

"Poor everybody if she goes off again," Jareth replied tensely.

"Po' evewbody…" Ludo began. Hoggle reached out and pinched his shin, silencing him.

"Madam, I have no intention of causing harm to you," Jareth hissed gallantly.

"Ludo not huwt lady," said Ludo.

Karen lowered the poker but did not put it down.

"I would like to strike a bargain with you," Jareth continued grimly.

"Ludo make bawgain wid lady."

"What bargain?" said Karen.

"I will release you if," said Jareth.

"I will welease you if" parroted Ludo.

"You give me the first creature to greet you upon your return," said Jareth.

"You gib me fiwst cweatuwe to, ah…" said Ludo. "Fiwst cweatuwe to…"

"Greet you upon your return!" Jareth hissed angrily. "Idiot!"

"Gweet you upon wetuwn, idiot," Ludo repeated.

Jareth smacked his palm against his forehead.

"Say what?" said Karen, looking perplexed.

"I will release you if you gives me the first creature to greets you when you returns," Hoggle said loudly.

Ludo froze in confusion. Jareth glared at Hoggle in disbelieving rage. Hoggle regretted his impulsive outburst.

"Okay," said Karen.

Jareth perked up at this and loosened his hold on Hoggle's neck.

Karen was fibbing. She had no intention of giving anybody anything. She did plan to let whatever authorities were in charge know that there was a talking bigfoot and a bunch of short, ugly chupacabras running loose in New Mexico.

"We have a bargain!" Jareth whispered, sounding positively gleeful.

"We got bawgain," said Ludo, dutifully.

"Get in here and put the bag on her!" Jareth shouted.

Karen began screaming again as goblins surged in carrying a laundry bag.

* * *

It was still dark, with the faint glow of the coming sunrise creeping into the eastern sky. A search party of deputies, search dogs and volunteers had gathered in the yard, preparing to start their search at first light.

Karen's sudden screams brought guests and dude ranch workers from every building to see what was going on. As she fought her way out of the sack, Toby, always an early riser, ran up and grabbed her around the knees, shouting "Mommy, Mommy, you hair is done!" He had been told she was at the hairdressers since he was used to her spending a great deal of time there.

And indeed, when she finally got the laundry bag off of her head, her hair looked as it had never looked before.

Jareth, watching Karen and Toby through a crystal, laughed in triumph. He tossed the crystal onto the cushioned seat of his throne and broke into an end zone type celebratory dance. His backfield was completely in motion.

Hoggle ignored this display and picked up the crystal to see for himself.

"Uh, Jareth?" said Hoggle, peering into the glistening orb. "You better looks again."

"Why?" says Jareth, rudely snatching the crystal from Hoggle's hands. He stared into the crystal with angry disbelief for a moment. "Bollocks!" he yelled and vanished.

Retrieving the crystal, and peering into it, Hoggle saw a frenzy of activity. The Williams family was packing suitcases and bags. Karen was screaming at Robert to hurry up. Robert was in the bathroom, gathering up the tiny soaps, and miniature shampoo and conditioner bottles.

"Get the towels," Karen snapped.

Robert balked.

"I'm not stealing towels!" he said indignantly.

"A bigfoot kidnapped me," she bellowed. "Get the towels!"

Robert muttered under his breath, but obediently picked up the towels. After a moment's reflection, he also picked up the washcloths.

"Daddy!" Sarah remonstrated. Robert carefully ignored her.

"Sarah," Karen snapped. "Please get Toby to the bathroom and then into the car." Karen was in no mood to be reasonable.

Sarah was completely unsettled by Karen's strange story and didn't know whether to believe her or not. While it would be possible for the sneaky Goblin King to be involved in some devious plot, this incident seemed far-fetched, even for him. What could he possibly gain by performing a peculiar catch-and-release with Karen? What could anyone gain by such a stunt? Was there really a madman or a bigfoot running loose in the wilderness? If this was an elaborate scheme of some sort, it was the stupidest one she'd ever heard of.

She decided it didn't make any difference. They were leaving so that was that. She went to get Toby.

It didn't take long for Sarah to become frightened. Toby wasn't at the daycare. He wasn't at the barn looking at the horses. He wasn't hanging around the Suburban, waiting to leave. Toby wasn't to be found.

Robert was tossing the luggage roughly into the back of the Suburban, when Sarah ran up to him.

"Daddy! I can't find Toby. Did he come back here?" Sarah panted.

"What do you mean you can't find him?" shouted Robert, a note of panic in his voice.

"Can't find who?" Karen gasped from the front of the Suburban. "Can't find Toby? No, no, no! Toby! Toby! Where are you?" she screamed.

Summoned by the shrieking, the dude ranch owner stood in the doorway of his office and groaned. What was with this family anyway? Did they have some sort of genetic disorder that caused them to continually get lost? He put his palm to his face and groaned again, before going to his phone to round up the third search party in three days.

Sarah stood quietly in the midst of this chaos grinding her teeth. It now seemed obvious to her who was responsible for this idiocy. She grimly headed for the stables to get a horse. She was going to go find a certain owl and give him a piece of her mind.

At that moment, the owl she actually had in mind was sitting on his throne, watching Toby play with the goblins. As they sorted out the rules for a game of catch-the-chicken, Hoggle took a seat on the steps in front of the throne.

"So what was the big hurry? Couldn't you just pick the boy up when they got home?" he asked.

"I wouldn't have power THERE, from a bargain made HERE," Jareth grumped in irritation. Honestly, why did he always have to explain every little thing?

"You could make a bargain there, couldn't you?" said Hoggle. He was asking questions more to annoy Jareth than out of curiosity.

"They're off balance here, more likely to make an error in judgment. In a familiar setting, they would be simply ignore any attempts at bargaining. Or they might call the authorities," he added. "Remember when Robert called animal control?"

Robert had called the police because he had goblins in the garbage cans. Of course, he thought it was raccoons, and a goblin blessed with a furry, striped tail had a very narrow escape that night.

"Yeah, I remember," sighed Hoggle, watching Toby play. He and Jareth both laughed aloud when Toby tossed a black hen into the air and yelled "NOT IT!"


	3. Chapter 3

_All the good stuff belongs to Henson and Co._

_Big thanks to all who have read and reviewed. The Fairy-Tale Quartet Challenge - that of referencing Beauty and the Beast in a Labyrinth story was an interesting experience. While I often (ok, most of the time) work with humor, I would never have thought to put our fave Labyrinth characters in a "western" genre. I was very unsure at the start but ended up being pleased with the results. Be sure to check out other participants in the challenge, "Clockwork Beauty" by Ellen Weaver and upcoming stories by Jalen Strix and FrancesOsgood._

_I would suggest that if you're in the doldrums or need some fresh ideas, try writing in a different genre. It can be an exciting (and possibly frightening) experience._

* * *

Sarah was riding the very same horse that had left her father alone on the trail. The horse had sized her up the second she put her foot in the stirrup and decided that it would be prudent to do whatever she asked immediately and without question. She urged the animal into an easy, ground covering canter, heading for the patch of scrub pine where she had encountered that insolent owl. She was going to pull his wings off first, then pull each tail feather out, one by one. And then she was going to get mean.

She brought the horse to a halt and leapt off, tossing the reins over a branch. The horse, philosophical as always, caught its breath and started to look for things it could eat.

There on a low branch, about six feet off the ground, sat a perfectly ordinary barn owl, not in the least bit magical or kingly, quietly snoozing. It was a rude and terrifying awakening when Sarah made a grab for the befuddled owl, shaking his perch and screaming into his ear. The poor owl fell nearly to the ground before he managed to get himself together enough to power his way into the air. Disoriented, the owl flew straight up just to get away from the angry roars and then leveled out into some serious speed flying.

The owl frantically beat wings back to his nest. Even his squalling mate and offspring were more tolerable than the shrieking harridan that had interrupted his sleep. As he flew, he decided that he should probably catch a mouse. Or maybe he should catch five mice; one for each of the ungrateful screeching mouths that would greet him. But he was so tired! Maybe he'd just let them yell. No. He'd better get at least one mouse for his awful mate. He'd stuff it right into the gaping maw of that Queen of the Harpies. It'd keep her quiet for at least a minute or two. What an awful life. What a sad little owl he was. He screeched mournfully.

She glared after the retreating owl. How dare he screech insults at her! She was wishing she had a slingshot when she heard a familiar voice from behind her.

"Sarah, what on earth are you doing to that poor owl?"

"YOU!" she roared, spinning to face him and immediately forgetting all about the hapless owl. "What have you done with Toby?"

"Oh, he's perfectly safe, I assure you," he replied with a smug grin. "He's playing with the goblins. So far they haven't eaten him, but I can't guarantee how long that state of affairs will last."

The dozen or so goblins surrounding Sarah threw their hands into the air and stomped about and outdid each other in making menacing noises and threats.

Jareth crossed his arms and gave her a truly evil smile. He congratulated himself on the way his scheme was going. This was going to work. She would definitely trade herself for Toby and soon he would persuade her to be his queen. He had dressed himself fetchingly for her benefit; wearing snug, artfully ripped jeans, a black western shirt open nearly to his trim waist, and a red bandanna as a headband, complete with two magnificent feathers he had grown from his very own behind, especially for an occasion such as this. He was smugly confident that his scheme was infallible and he was irresistible and he continued to feel pretty good right up until the moment Sarah burst into tears.

"You stupid idiot!" she yelled through her tears. "Why are you being so stupid?"

Jareth's mouth gaped open in astonished dismay. He had absolutely no idea how to proceed. Her tears had utterly vanquished him in an instant and he was overwhelmed by the urge to take her in his arms and apologize profusely over and over.

The goblins were just as confused as their king. A few of the more sensitive goblins began to weep along with the girl. Some filthy handkerchiefs were offered up and the smallest goblin present wrapped itself around her ankle and began wailing as if its heart were broken.

"I… wanted to get you to… come to the Underground," Jareth stammered. His elaborate plotting and scheming had fallen completely apart in a heartbeat and dissolved in her tears. If he hadn't been a grownup Goblin King with his own castle, he might have burst into tears of frustration, himself.

Sarah tactfully declined the goblin handkerchiefs. She did accept the red bandanna Jareth pulled from his hair and gave to her.

"What on earth were you thinking?" she said, continuing to shed angry tears.

"I thought… you…" he hesitated, "would trade yourself for Toby and come to the Underground and be my queen," he spit the rest of the words out hurriedly.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," she snapped. "Why didn't you just ask me out for coffee or something?" She was no longer weeping but still occasionally sniffling.

"Because that's not the way it's done," he said, sounding baffled.

"That's EXACTLY the way it's done!" she said, throwing her hands up in the air.

"But you'd say no," he said, looking away and refusing to meet her gaze. He sounded a bit forlorn.

She looked at the gorgeous, blue-eyed idiot with complete disbelief.

"Jareth, I said no to a marriage proposal," she said. "It WAS a marriage proposal, wasn't it?"

"Yes," he admitted, frowning and still refusing to look at her.

"I was fifteen years old, Jareth. That's a little young."

"I didn't intend to marry you right that instant," he said petulantly. "We would have been betrothed until you were of age." He paused. "Was that your only objection?" he said, suddenly sounding hopeful.

"That and the fact that I didn't know you at all," she said with asperity.

"That's what a betrothal is for," he said, rolling his eyes, "to get to know one another."

"That's also what coffee is for," she said, "and it's a lot less binding than a betrothal."

"That would be a point in favor of betrothal," he muttered.

"Jareth," she said, crossing her arms, "did you threaten my father over a flower?"

"I told him it was endangered," he grimaced.

"Why, exactly?"

"I told him that he could avoid jail if he agreed to give me the first creature to greet him upon his return. I THOUGHT that would be you." He glared at her accusingly.

"And?"

"And if he agreed to that bargain, I would have power over you and could take you with me," he finished, shamefaced.

"That's ridiculous," she said. "So when Karen greeted him… Did you kidnap Karen?" she asked, exasperated.

"Yes, and I was right glad to bring her back! And when Toby greeted her, I had power over him. You know, this would have all been easier, if you would just greet your family members once in a while," he said querulously.

She fell silent and gazed at him with a speculative air until he became uncomfortable and began to fidget.

"So you have feelings for me?" she asked.

"Well, obviously," he huffed in irritation. "I wouldn't have gone to all this trouble for anyone else."

By this time, they had both forgotten the goblins sitting in a circle around their feet. They suddenly remembered them when the goblins let out a "wooOOoo," sounding very like a sitcom audience.

"Scram," Jareth barked and they vanished in twelve directions.

A brief moment passed with no words as both considered what had just been said.

"You know," Sarah finally said, "I've been daydreaming of you for the past four years."

"Any regrets?" Jareth asked, smiling ruefully.

"A couple," she smiled back.

"Jareth, I couldn't let you keep Toby and I couldn't stay with you – not when I was only fifteen. You get that, don't you?"

"Oh, Sarah," he sighed. "Toby was able to go home as soon as you reached the castle. And I didn't expect you to stay permanently at that time. We would have been betrothed, not married." He kicked at the ground in frustration. "I just wanted…

"You were beautiful, even if you were just a child. You were brave and resourceful and… and mouthy and funny and… I wanted you. That's all. I was willing to wait for you to grow up."

"So I don't hear from you for four years because…"

"You were NOT old enough to take from your parents," he said with a look of stern disapproval.

Her mouth fell open and she suddenly laughed.

"Jareth," she said.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to come by for coffee sometime?"

She nearly lost her breath at the smile that came over his face then, hopeful and radiant.

"I would like that very much," he said.

She was staggered with a sudden knowledge; that she had power over him, amazing power. All she had to do was claim him.

She stepped forward and put her hands on both sides of his face, smiling at his look of surprise.

"I've been thinking about this for four years," she said and delicately put her lips to his, barely touching, barely breathing, barely moving, making the most ephemeral contact. Her tongue flicked out, running over his lip, teasing his skin. She gently, so gently, took his lower lip into her mouth, brushing her teeth against the trembling flesh.

He took in a shuddering breath. His skin seemed to be tingling everywhere she touched him. He carefully slid his hands around her waist, nearly afraid to breathe, embracing his dream with trembling arms.

It was a good kiss, not the best kiss they would ever share in their long lives, or even in the top ten, but it was their first kiss and they would both forever remember it with warm, wistful smiles.

She finally pulled herself away to catch her breath and gazed up at him. When he finally opened his eyes, they were soft, dreamy and unfocused.

"Well, did you hear music?" she said, gently teasing.

"No, just your heartbeat," he murmured.

He delicately pushed a stray strand of hair back over her ear. He then leaned forward and kissed that delicate pick ear, smiling when she shivered just a little bit.

"Go back to the ranch. Toby will be there to tell you all of his adventures," he said.

"His adventures?" she said.

"He had a marvelous time today," he laughed softly.

"When will I see you again?" she said.

"When the coffee's ready," he said. He reached out to gently touch her cheek and then vanished from her sight.

* * *

"We've decided to stay here. We paid for two weeks and haven't been here but three days," Karen prattled on. "It's so much fun after all and very relaxing."

Sarah's mouth fell open. She had returned to find Toby happily playing horseshoes with her father as if there were nothing out of the ordinary, and Karen relaxing in a lounge chair, watching the same shirtless young man washing another horse.

"Relaxing?" she sputtered. "But what about being kidnapped and…"

"Oh, that," said Karen dismissively. "That was no big deal. They had all sorts of grilled cheese sandwiches and chocolate and dreamcatchers. It was nice," she trailed off, her gaze having become unfocused and peculiar.

"Anyway," she said, coming back to herself. "We're going on a hayride this afternoon. It'll be interesting to see the native flowers in bloom."

"I smell a spell," Sarah said with a grim expression.

"Oh, dear, that's to be expected on a ranch. The animals don't use bathrooms, you know," Karen chuckled as she stood up and walked off to go on the hayride, leaving Sarah to stare after her, mystified by that last bizarre reply.

"Are you ready for coffee?" Jareth said into her ear.

Sarah startled in surprise and turned to give him a sharp look. His exotic face gleamed through the glamour obscuring his otherworldly identity from everyone but her. She couldn't help noticing how attractive he looked dressed casually in jeans, his wild blond hair tamed in a ponytail. It almost made her forget to be cross with him. Almost.

"Did you put a spell on Daddy and Karen?" she said suspiciously.

"Well, you don't really want them to be traumatized by being threatened over flowers or being kidnapped, do you?" he said reasonably.

"We're going to have to negotiate some ground rules," Sarah groused as he put his arm around her and began to steer her toward the Happy Trails Dude Ranch Holiday Center and the coffee bar within.

"Yes, Precious," he said dutifully, smiling happily to himself. He had great confidence in his bargaining skills.

The End


End file.
